She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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