You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
