george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
