dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
