Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
