i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I want to be your penis for a week.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
