I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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