I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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