Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
