I just cut my nipple shaving
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
