I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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