she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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