i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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