it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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