My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
