She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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