i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
