So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
