You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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