I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
