would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
