Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
