He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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