sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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