i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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