I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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