I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
