I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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