so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
did i walk over a car last night?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
