Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
