and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
