theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize