She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
