Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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