My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So much rum. So many feels.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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