Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
