Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
