He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
