well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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