We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
