i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
babies were throwing up all over the place
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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