Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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