Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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