Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
