I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We had sex on a dog bed..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
