It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
