your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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