The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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