so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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