Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
