I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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