Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
