hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
there is glitter all over my balls
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
